PlayBird
by Peridot Tears
Summary: Companion to SPECIAL INTERVIEW: LIVE. The owls of Ga'Hoole are going to starr in PlayBird! Their demented tormentor hath returned! What will happen to the poor little dild-- Ahem, never mind 8DDDD Crack. One-shot.


**PlayBird**

**_PT: Wonderful. By the time I publish this, the fandom's dead. Ugh Dx I suck, in this case -sighs- Well, anyway, I'll publish it anyway. A companion to "SPECIAL INTERVIEW: LIVE," my first and longest Guardians of Ga'Hoole story. It's crack, and -- asofar -- one of the only M-rated fics in this fandom. MAJOR CRACK, by th way. So...of course this'll all be demented :D Self-insert, because that's part of all the crack :) Another reason to publish this -- I'm displeased with the direction this fandom is going in; it could turn into one of those fallen fandoms where people dump their fics that SHOULD be on FictionPress instead -sighs- And the story quality has really fallen -shot- Asofar it's all right, but not the same..._**

_Disclaimer: -Tips head to one side- Um..._

_Dedication_

_Adderstar of ValorClan_

_Alex Romanov_

_britiyb_

_Eater of Crayons_

_ezylrybbit_

_Felli_

_Ih8Bush_

_MCPooky_

_Ten Black Roses_

_Wolf of Silver Dawn_

_ZeraPotterCullen_

--

"I LIKE MEAPLES!" screams PT as she sings with joy. The surrounding owls cover their ear slits, pained expression on their faces.

"Why?" mumbles Soren. "Why the hell are you here again? Why...I thought you left after SPECIAL INTERVIEW: LIVE."

But PT only smiles widely -- looking manic, demented, sick, twisted, creepy, scary, frightening -- from ear to ear. The owls feel shudders run down their spines. They know very well that they are doomed whenever the apparently crazy writer visits their tree...or anywhere in the owl world, for that matter. "What, you are not happy to see meeeee...?" she asks, stroking the top of a hammer.

"..."

"...Heh..." Smile.

"..."

But Soren cannot take it any longer. And explodes:

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE, YOU MANIC, DEMENTED, SICK, TWISTED, CREEPY, SCARY, FRIGHTENING TEENAGE WRITER WHO LOVES TO TORTURE US OWLS!! I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU'D LEAVE AS SOON AS YOUR LAST STORY WAS DONE!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE! AND I HAD TO WAKE UP TO YOU TOO! YOU CALL YOURSELF AN ANGST WRITER?!"

He said it all in one breath; and paused to breathe properly. Pelli leans over to put a wing on his arm, but he jerks away, mumuring, "I wish you were still hospitalized...."

"..."

Then, the unexpected happens -- PT, the one who was always smiling, always torturing her little owl friends (cough, cough) -- bursts into tears, looking hurt. "Soren!" she wails falling to her knees -- tears pouring down -- crying her heart out. Soren freezes.

"Erm...I'm sorry...?" he says, weakly. He knows he will regret it, though.

And regret he does.

PT stops crying immediately and jumps him, screaming, "DILDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

"..."

o.O

"..."

"...:D

"I really missed you guys," PT says, hopping off the Barn Owl. "So I came for a visit. And I wasn't really happy with the fandom..."

"I hate some of the stories," Nyroc (YES, NYROC BECAUSE SOMEONE FELT LIKE IT) grumbles, cutting her off. "They're made of complete and utter crap. The plots are full of Mary-Sue nonsense, along with the way they're written, and the summaries kind of show how bad they are..."

"HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT ME!!" PT jumps up, roaring. "DON'T YOU DARE INTERRUPT ME, YOU -- " She cuffs him harshly over the head. " -- YOU!"

"Don't curse," murmurs Bob the tiger, who puts up all the censors and subtitles.

"SHADDAP!"

"..."

"YOU SUCK!!"

"..."

"DILDO!"

"..."

"TALK NOW AND BREAK THE SILENCE, YOUNG DILDO!"

"..."

"GRRR..."

"Erm..."

PT slaps him. "Okay, now, Nyroc, what?"

"Nothing..." He backs away nervously, intent on going into a safe corner.

"Pft, you suck as a king. Just go and try with your PlayBird magazine. And have your threesome at the PlayBird mansion." She turns in contempt. "Copyright, Ten Black Roses."

"..."

"I SAID -- !"

The three B's kick her out of the tree.

"Let's look on the bright side," Bell says, turning back to her parents.

"Yes. At least she's not supposed to be in this plot anyway," Bash continues.

"And the Harry Potter, Fullmetal Alchemist, Naruto, and Warriors characters aren't here, so it's not THAT dangerous," Blyth finishes.

"..."

"Awkward silence." The speaker shall remain a mystery for you, MWAHAHAHAHAHAA!!

Someone in the background yells at the narrator, "Keep it down!" and throws a dildo at his head.

"..."

"Let's just...get on the PlayBird mansion," the narrator murmurs, pounding the guy in the background -- screams of pain are being heard. "Nyra's waiting. She wants Kludd's third head."

Moments later, they are at the said mansion, which is on top of a hill in the middle of nowhere, looking up at the huge building, made of millions and millions of layers of sandstone, awe-inspiring; they all stare in awe, as Nyra comes forth, plucking off her feathers, somehow naked, followed by photographers brandishing pimpster clothing --

"That is the worst run-on sentence ever," says the narrator. "And it's BDSM, thanks."

Shut up. You have bad timing.

Earning a smack on the head by one of the Pure Ones, who are the photographers.

"Shut it, you," he says, harshly, before leading the others into the mansion.

Inside, it is elaborate, white, and windowless. It is designed like a love hotel, with a BSM room, a room full of spinning beds, another one full of hot tubs, another full of dildos, another with couches --

"Stupid run-ons," Pelli murmurs, earning a cuff as well.

"You're only spared because you're in our hall of fame," another Pure One snarls. "Shaddap, or you'll end up like the narrator. Hopefully it's PT..."

"NOOOOOO!!!!" yells PT from the tree. "THAT'S MY DYING ALTER EGO!!!" Earning a pause and a twitch.

"Shit...," mumble all the Pure Ones in unison. In the BSM room, there are screams from the narrator. So PT will take over the narration. Too bad. Not as epic --

"Shit, I just dissed myself," PT murmurs, slamming her hand on her keyboard. "Oh well, I'll take it all out on my ego later."

Nyra smiles, donning a feather boa. "Nyroc! Ish nice to see you!" she cries as if she had only just noticed him. "Wanna, like, go to my room?" She smiles some more, gesturing at one of the BSM rooms. "There are plenty of whips..."

He twitches. "No thanks mum...scarypedofile."

"What was that?"

"Nothing, mum."

"I insist."

"I want to have a threesome!" he cries desperately; he quickly grabs Soren and Digger and rushes into one of the couch rooms. There are sudden moans, and the remaining owls (and tiger) twitch.

"Hell no," Gylfie states.

The B's sigh in disgust.

Twilight, however, is smiling goofily as he tries on his sister's pants. "Heheh...I vill zing 8)"

"NO!" yell everyone, but it's too late.

_**"I'm bringing sexy back,"**_ he begins, swaying his hips, disgusting Otulissa.

**_"Them motherfuckers don't know how to act._**

**_"I think it's special, what's behind your back._**

**_"So turn around and I'll pick up the slack._**

**_"Dirty babe..._**

**_"You see these shackles, baby, I'm your slave..._**

**_"I'll let you whip me if I misbehave..._**

**_"It's just that no one makes me feel this way..."_**

"I'm sure he made some mistakes," grumbles the tiger.

Nyra sighs, "The last sexy song was better. Much simpler."

Twilight launched into it. **_"I'm too sexy for my shirt,_**

**_Too sexy for my shirt;_**

**_So sexy it hurts..."_**

"NO!" Nyra shrieks, and tackles him, throwing them both into the room of hot tubs. "!!"

"NEIN!" Gylfie adds; she grabs Digger and Otulissa and flings them into the room of dildos. Then she grabs the tiger and throws them in with them. "NO!" She grabs the B's, Pelli, Martin, Ruby, and the rest of the Pure Ones in the hot tub room.

"You're insane," sniggers PT as she watches. Too bad there's no popcorn.

Soon moans fill the mansion.

--

**_PLAYBIRD MAGAZINE:_**

**_NEW MEMBERS CELEBRATE THE RETURN OF PT!_**

**_HALL OF FAME IS FILLED!_**

**_ISSUE NUMBER 93,345,623,890,324_**

**_TURN TO PAGE THREE FOR THE SNAPSHOT TAKEN IN THE DILDO ROOM!_**

"..."

"So do you like it?" PT asks happily, brandishing the magazine at her shocked companions.

"..."

":D"

"WHY!?"


End file.
